First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
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My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s