If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
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Ummm
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
good work, everybody
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]