My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
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It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her