If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
When I grow up, I want to be 16
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.