I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
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dream blunt rotation
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
The best plant holders?
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Oceanography is all about current events
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.