There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
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COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
#SaturdayBears
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.