Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook