What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
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*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!