At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
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i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.