Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
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Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater