That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
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good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
what are they serving at kfc then???
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
me irl
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity