Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
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[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years