But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
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Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Mouse
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.