Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
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If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
🙄😏😂🤣
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?