Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
This rocks
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.