I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
You Might Also Like
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
getting old is fun
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”