Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
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[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.