If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
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My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
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