Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
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I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Big Sex has us all fooled
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?