When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
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Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
it’s the silliest best thing
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.