Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
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My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.