My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
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friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas