Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
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[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
The first matador
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
How does one answer this?
Don’t forget to tip your server
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either