I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude