BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
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I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
True
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell