“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
According to my DNA results, I鈥檓 99% high af.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Me: Twitter isn鈥檛 as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don鈥檛 you stop using it
Me: Then I鈥檇 have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
i鈥檓 on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don鈥檛 know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 馃槈
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it鈥檚 right there on the edge of the magical forest
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?