Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
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It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
They’re stuck in your pants?
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.