Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
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The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.