Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
why am I working on Labor Day
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?