We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
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{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.