Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.