me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
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He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
mood
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.