Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
British websites use biscuits.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?