The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.