Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
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My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
What’s so funny?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.