[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
You Might Also Like
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
No. He’s not coming out to play
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered