Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
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“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”