My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
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[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
You had me at “define legal”.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?