Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
💁🏻♂️
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.