New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
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Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.