You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Am I having a stroke?
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*