Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
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I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Ha.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic