They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
You Might Also Like
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Bless you
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing