[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
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RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.