People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
You Might Also Like
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Is this a threat?
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.