When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
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Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
me linking you to my twitter
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you