Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
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You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?