The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
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If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
meow
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to