The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.