I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
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what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Go girl power!
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…